Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
