would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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