I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
