i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Your penis caused this!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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