Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
