What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
