I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
