I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
