Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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