Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
