He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
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He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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