remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
