if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
