Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
