Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
