I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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