We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
