I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
