My liver just broke up with me...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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