i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
