If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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