i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My ATM looks so different sober.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
