oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
