I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
organizing the empties. That sober.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
