i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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