I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
