I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
