I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
