my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
