I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
