Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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