i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
