good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize