at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
