dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
