god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
