o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
