My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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