Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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