do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
