I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
