Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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