You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
