Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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