It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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