If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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