omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
