If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
