i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
