I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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