Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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