roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
