dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
