Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
