i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
