My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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