Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
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Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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