I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
